Legalism

One of the issues with following through with a vow like this is the temptation to lose sight of what I am doing by becoming legalistic in following the vow. I don't want to make a mockery of it by treating it frivolously, of course, but a danger for me is to become so wrapped up in the structure of the vow that I forget what I am about.

I am thinking that what creates a legalistic attitude in me is usually a failure to distinguish between setting myself apart to God and trying to prove something to God. Being a person with generally low self-esteem, I know quite a bit about trying to prove myself to the people around me.

I've really wrestled with some of the details of this vow...should I try to wear the same shorts when it snows? Can I use more than three pairs of underwear if they get lost in the laundry? Can I pull a few nose hairs if they are driving me out of my mind and generally unhygenic? I'm starting to see these questions as coming from one or both of two places inside me: often it is out of my sincere desire to follow through with this vow to the best of my ability. I want my best to be set apart to God--now and always. The other part of me, however, is the part that feels that I have to prove something to God in this vow as if I am secretly afraid he is going to measure my worthiness by how I follow through with my promise.

I need to allow for my honest pursuit of honoring God--it's often the best thing I have going for me. I also need to work on suppressing my legalistic desire to prove something (something impossible for me to actually prove) to God. So far, the most useful tool to me in dealing with this tension is fatherhood. I look at my son and see how many things he does to get my attention--to make me proud of him. I know he loves riding his bike, but there is a huge part of him that is doing it because his dad is obsessed with bikes and he wants to connect with me. I don't think that's a bad thing, in fact, it IS a great way for us to connect and I don't expect him to be a pro biker or even that he will stay with it his whole life like he is now. I am just happy (beyond happy, to be honest) to see him learning how to put his chain back on and adjust his seat and patch tubes. Truth be told, I can hardly think about it without tearing up--and it's not because he is such an amazing bike rider, but because I know that, at least part of it, is for me. It makes me proud...it makes me happy...it makes it easy for me to love him even more.

When I think of this vow in that context (and my biblical understanding of God's love), I see that he must be beyond happy with the vow I've made. I may obsess over wierd things, or make mistakes, but he is not looking so much at how legalistic I am in fulfilling my vow as he is at the fact that one of his children is doing something FOR HIM.