Coming in for a landing...

So, I have decided on January 5th as the ending date for my vow. I am planning on taking the clippers to work to have my clients do the honors of the head shave. I am working with adults with developmental disabilities. I realized a month or so ago that if I showed up to work with no hair one day I might cause some turmoil with a group of people who survive on their routines. My solution (we'll see) is to have them do the haircut portion of my transition out of Nazariety.

As far as the rest of wrapping up the vow, I need to do some serious thinking in the next couple weeks. I want to figure out some of the sacraficial elements of ending the vow. I've run into a couple snags in my original plan. The Suburban I intended to sign over to my friend, Darel now has a blown out transmission. I am thinking that giving it to him may not be as exciting for him as it would be sacrificial for me. As far as the tools go, I have a pile of things collected in my garage (admittedly not as many as I had hoped). The only problem is that winter in Durango is not exactly garage sale season and my stuff doesn't really amount to much in the ebay universe. I am wondering if giving it all away might be a better option--even though that doesn't do much for the Hotchkiss family who I intended to donate the proceeds to.

I am currently racking my brain to try and come up with ideas of what I could give as meaningful sacrifice in ending this vow. I want to do something because I am grateful for the opportunity to do this and I feel that God has shown me some things in this process that have changed and shaped me.

The End Is Near

So, at this point, I am really looking forward to the end of this vow. Not that it hasn’t been a fascinating experience; I’m just ready for it to be done. I was thinking about it the other day and it’s been about four months since the last time I had a conversation with someone that wasn’t interrupted by a comment about my hair or beard!
Last week, my friends who live in China visited us and I had a chance to reflect on the vow as I caught them up on how it’s been going. Here are a few things I think I am taking away from this experience:
I want to trust God. This may seem elementary, but I want to truly trust God—depend on him and learn to live with what he provides on every level of life. I believe that I have had some level of trust in the past, but I am ready to drive deeper in my dependence on him.
I want to honor God with the way I use the resources he has entrusted to me. I will continue to use only cash for my expenditures. Jenn will still carry an ATM card, but the credit cards are gone for good. Our next step is to decide how much money we need to live and commit to give the rest to serve God’s Kingdom.
I am going to go through my wardrobe and decide what I really need. I won’t be staying with the three changes thing, and I may never wear a collared polo shirt again, but I like the idea of simplifying and living with less clothing.
As far as I am concerned, this all adds up to a deeper submission to Christ’s lordship in my life. By lordship, I mean that I go further in allowing Jesus to lead my thinking and living as opposed to just making my way and asking for his blessing—or even different from doing what I think he would want me to do. My aim is to allow what Jesus has said to inform my thinking, but to listen to what he has to say to shape my life now.
Oddly enough, this language is probably close to how I would have described my Christian life before this vow. Now, however, the words carry a different meaning—a new depth, maybe.

The part of all this I may have to think about a little more is how I use my Nazarite experiences to encourage others along a similar path. I would love to come up with a way to articulate what I’ve experienced and help other people figure out how to structure and follow through with their own vows.

Coping Stragegery

This has been a wild week (a few weeks, actually) for me emotionally. I am finishing up training on a new job working with developmentally disabled adults which has been quite a process--along with the emotional realities of actually working with the people involved. I also have some family stuff on my mind. By Friday morning, I found myself at the end of my rope--emotionally exhausted, looking for somehting to make myself feel better. It was fascinating to me that the first things I looked to were the very things I have chosen to deny in this vow. I wanted to buy something. I wanted to spend some money--a new toy or piece of clothing, a bike part (or a whole bike!). When I came to terms with the fact that I could not purchase my way out of my emotional state, I immediately turned to my wardrobe. I honestly felt, in that moment, that would be so much better if I could just put on a different shirt!

In the end, I asked God to honor my vow and help me find a healthy way of dealing with my feelings. I decided to go work out and then spent the evening with Jenn. We had a great conversation at dinner and then watched a friend who was acting in a college play. It was a good evening and, I think it did good things for my emotional state of being. I wonder how that date with my wife would have been different if I had had the opportunity to try and resolve my stuff with...well, stuff.

Half Way There...

So, I've hit the half-way mark in my Nazarite vow. This has been quite a defining exprerience for me. For the most part, I believe the theme for me has been trust. I have been learning more about what it means for me to trust God in the past few months than perhaps ever in my life. It has been most enlightening in terms of my finances. I have had some great moments of conviction and direction in how I handle my money and how I trust God to provide for me.f

I've started a new job in the last couple weeks working with developmentally disabled people in a day program. This has been an interesting transition on many levels. It is the first time I have taken on a near full time position in a field other than vocational ministry in about 15 years. I've done some short-term things, but nothing like a second career or long-term position. It is also an interesting job in terms of the characters involved. Ever day I become more and more convinced that I have uncovered one of the places Jesus would be hanging out if he were here today. We all love the Xmen--mutants with extraordinary powers who can do amazing things and have special abilities. There are real people out there who have mutated chromosomes and are born under extraordinary circumstances, but most of us would rather pretend they don't exist because they make us nervous with their loud noises and unpredictable behavior. I am being stretched and challenged in some profound ways with this new job.

As far as trust goes, I am having to trust God in this new job. I am trusting him to help me with transition which is always emotionally exhausting. I am trusting him to provide for our finances in a job that pays less than the kid gets who collects shopping carts at the grocery store. I am trusting him to care for my family as our schedule is stretched a little thin--I am already extremely grateful for good friends and grandparents on this one!

I am enjoying this process. I am ready to shave off my hair, but not very interested in giving up being set apart to God as a Nazarite.

Legalism

One of the issues with following through with a vow like this is the temptation to lose sight of what I am doing by becoming legalistic in following the vow. I don't want to make a mockery of it by treating it frivolously, of course, but a danger for me is to become so wrapped up in the structure of the vow that I forget what I am about.

I am thinking that what creates a legalistic attitude in me is usually a failure to distinguish between setting myself apart to God and trying to prove something to God. Being a person with generally low self-esteem, I know quite a bit about trying to prove myself to the people around me.

I've really wrestled with some of the details of this vow...should I try to wear the same shorts when it snows? Can I use more than three pairs of underwear if they get lost in the laundry? Can I pull a few nose hairs if they are driving me out of my mind and generally unhygenic? I'm starting to see these questions as coming from one or both of two places inside me: often it is out of my sincere desire to follow through with this vow to the best of my ability. I want my best to be set apart to God--now and always. The other part of me, however, is the part that feels that I have to prove something to God in this vow as if I am secretly afraid he is going to measure my worthiness by how I follow through with my promise.

I need to allow for my honest pursuit of honoring God--it's often the best thing I have going for me. I also need to work on suppressing my legalistic desire to prove something (something impossible for me to actually prove) to God. So far, the most useful tool to me in dealing with this tension is fatherhood. I look at my son and see how many things he does to get my attention--to make me proud of him. I know he loves riding his bike, but there is a huge part of him that is doing it because his dad is obsessed with bikes and he wants to connect with me. I don't think that's a bad thing, in fact, it IS a great way for us to connect and I don't expect him to be a pro biker or even that he will stay with it his whole life like he is now. I am just happy (beyond happy, to be honest) to see him learning how to put his chain back on and adjust his seat and patch tubes. Truth be told, I can hardly think about it without tearing up--and it's not because he is such an amazing bike rider, but because I know that, at least part of it, is for me. It makes me proud...it makes me happy...it makes it easy for me to love him even more.

When I think of this vow in that context (and my biblical understanding of God's love), I see that he must be beyond happy with the vow I've made. I may obsess over wierd things, or make mistakes, but he is not looking so much at how legalistic I am in fulfilling my vow as he is at the fact that one of his children is doing something FOR HIM.

How's it goin'?

Enough people around me know about the vow that I get this question a lot. I like it because most people are genuinely interested. It has been a hard question to anser, however. One of the main reasons I chose to make this vow was that I wanted it to be an act of worship--nothing to do with getting something out of God, I wanted to do something FOR God. The book of Numbers put it, "set yourself apart unto the LORD".

Having the purpose of doing something for God as opposed to getting something from God makes it very hard to assess how the vow is going. I am liking the vow. Things have become more simplified for me from how I dress to how I spend/don't spend money. I like the daily reminder in the mirror that I have chosen to pursue God more than my perception of what people want from me. My diologue with God continues to grow as I am constantly aware of what my priorities are. I still struggle with sin and my own selfishness--as usual. Other than that, I can't really tell how it's going--I suppose you'd have to ask God what he thinks about that.

I am guessing that much of what I take away from taking this journey will become apparent to me after all is said and done. I think this is how it should be. For the next four months, my focus is to continue to try and bring glory to God through this vow--I don't really want anything from him.

Awkward Nazarite

Last night I had an awkward moment in my Nazariteness. It has been interesting to figure out how to keep three changes of clothes clean (especially while helping my sister paint her new Habitat for Humanity house). Yesterday, I threw my clothes in the washing machine leaving myself one change of clothes to wear that evening. When I put on my shirt, noticed that I had apparently spilled ice cream on the front of it! The washing machine was still going--no time to dry things before I left for the kids' open house and a meeting with my improv group. In the end, I had to put on my sweatshirt. Besides the fact that it was 80 degrees outside, the general concensus among my improv buddies was that the shirtless zippered hoodie outfit made me look like an extra from the Big Lebowski.

Oh well, it was bound to happen!

One month down...

So, I've finished my first month of the Nazarite vow. My hair is growing out, my clothes are starting to wear a little more, and I'm getting the hang of not using plastic for money.

Truthfully, I really like the three sets of clothes thing. There is a freedom in not having to think about my wardrobe--what I will wear each day. The only thing that is really driving me nuts is nose hair. I constantly feel like I have "bears in my cave" as my kids put it.

Beyond the superfacial, I had an interesting time this weekend. I am part of a small improv comedy group in Durango. This is not a church program, by any means. It has been a great experience to be part of this group, the members of which have become some of my closest friends in the world. This weekend we camped out at a local renaissance faire where we do a mud pit version of our improv act. This was the first time I've had the chance to explain my vow to people outside the church. It was interesting, sort of. To be honest, I don't think they really got it--but it didn't seem stupid to them either.

We talked a lot this weekend about what it means to be a Christian. Recently, one of our members quit the group and the reason he gave was that he was going to church and could no longer participate in some of the more questionable material we get into in our comedy. This was an interesting situation, obviously, since I am a part of the group and a pastor. I asked the remaining members what they thought about me being part of the group and a man of faith. I wanted to know if maybe they saw me as either a total hypocrite, or a person who's faith was irrelevant. It was fascinating to hear their responses. Almost unanimously, the group articulated in ways I could not have scripted that they felt as if my presence in the group had allowed them to rethink their (not so kind) view of Christianity and Christians. They saw no contradiction in my faith and participation because they see me as someone who is secure in his faith and therefore not easily offended. They each expressed a level of comfort with me that they have never felt around Christians.

Needless to say, this was a relief to me. I truly feel that my membership in this group is the perfect illustration of what the life of the Christ-follower should be: walking the line between the world and God's Kingdom in order to develop the authentic relationships required for people to truly experience God's love. Not only do I feel that I get the chance to love on a group of people outside church circles, but I am receiving love from them--some of the most transparent and forgiving love I've ever known. They are teaching me about authentic community even as I am trying to lead an authentic church commuinity.

I'm not entirely sure how this fits with the vow, but it is what's going on as I try my best to fulfill it. It also gives me something to ponder besides, "does pulling a couple nose hairs violate my vow?"

The Vacationing Nazarite

I just got back from my family vacation to California. It was good to see some old friends and show the kids the ocean--where they come from. Oscar was a natural in the waves...makes me wonder if he's gonna hate me for moving to CO someday and ditch us for the beach!

I had plenty of opportunities to try and explain my vow to my friends during this trip. I got quite a bit of positive feedback from people. My friend, Ginger in particular told me how she had decided to observe Lent this year for the same reasons--as a willful act of worship. I think there is going to be a lot of connection with the idea of this vow for people as time goes on. I really hope to be able to be an advocate for this type of worship. I can see how it would appeal to many Christ followers who are looking for an oppotunity to worship God without expecting anything from him but to be honored by us.

I've also discovered that it is really difficult to describe the Nazarite vow to people who are not familiar with the Bible or who are not worshippers of God. I've basically skirted the issue with most of my friends because it is so hard to explain--even though everyone is noticing the facial hair. I have a couple friends, however, who I would like to try and explain it to and see how they respond. I'm still not sure how to do this, since it takes quite a conversation to explain. I'd like to come up with a way to describe what I'm doing without using churchy buzz words or without taking 45 minutes!

The day to day element of this vow is interesting. I never thought I was very inhibited in prayer before, but I am noticing that I feel more open to communication with God because of the vow. I know nothing has changed in God's receptivity to me, but by following through with the vow the line of communication seems less inhibited, if that make sense. Previously, in prayer, I think I've spent a lot of time trying to justify my requests to God--either my worthiness in asking or the worthiness of the request. I find myself saying things now like, "you know my heart, you know where I'm coming from, so you already know why I'm asking you to bless Jan H and her baby..." I'm not sure if I'm expressing myself adequately here, so hopefully someone will offer some insight/feedback.

Bottom line, I am feeling more connected to God from my end of the relationship. I am enjoying the daily reminders that, for the next six months, my priority is worship before anything. Obviously, this is meant to be a pattern for life, but that can so often seem like a nebulous and unreachable concept. This is good.

Sunday Worship

Last night we had our first worship service since starting the vow. I'm not sure of all the factors involved, but I had a wonderful experience in worship. Usually, it takes me some time to "warm up" to focusing on God on a Sunday night. I've got details on my mind--especially if I'm teaching later. Last night, I felt as if I was already pretty plugged in, so worship seemed to come easier. It was also the first opportunity to tell everyone in our church community about the vow. I am looking forward to what impact this may have on our church and how God might inspire the people in this circle to make their own vows in the future.

Here we go...

Well, tomorrow I start my vow. I've picked out my clothes (some of which will have to be swapped out when it starts snowing), I've said my goodbyes to the home computer and my wallet is riding pretty light. I'm really looking forward to this experience. I've certainly never done anything like this before. I think what is most exciting to me right now is the thought of an extended form of worship. I am choosing to make this vow as an act of worship of God--not for what he will do for me.

I've already started to experience some mixed feelings about the whole thing. I am realizing that I have a little anxiety about how people will respond to the external elements of this vow. I had a conversation with my wife this morning where I became aware that I was being really sensitive and thin skinned toward her. As I thought about it, I came to the conclusion that I was taking offense at the things she was saying because I am a little afraid that she might distance herself from me in this process--when my facial hair is not attractive (or comfortable for kissing)...when my clothes start getting old, etc. She, of course, assured me that she was behind me all the way and not nearly as shallow as I apparantly am!

My prayer at this point is that God would be honored by my vow. I pray that he overlooks any ways I have misinterpreted or wrongly altered his Nazarite vow in favor of seeing my heart in the matter. I pray that every day I will remember who I am following and who's approval I am most interested in.

My Nazarite Vow

I want to hear from God. I am looking for some direction in my life and in the shepherding of a precious community of Christ-followers. I have come to the conclusion that taking the Nazarite vow would put me in a place spiritually to be able to better hear from God. It is a choice I am making to seek God out, not for what he can do for me, but so I can do for him.

My favorite thing about the Nazarite vow is that the person involved is supposed to fulfill their vow while they continue with their day to day life. It would be so much easier to run away for a year and live in a cave (maybe a cave with a tv in it) than to separate yourself to God within the context of daily life.

The challenge with making a Nazarite vow in 2010 is finding ways to honor the spirit of the vow that might be more relevant to the times without slaughtering the original concept. For instance, I could buy a couple sheep and burn them in my back yard, but it wouldn't carry the same meaning as it did for a Jew thousasnds of years ago. I want to find terms to apply to my vow that reflect the original, but have meaning to me.

I will make this vow for a period of six months (July 15, 2010 to January 15, 2011). I have come up with five terms for my vow:

1) I will not shave or cut my hair for the duration of the vow. While this doesn't have the same societal ramifications it did back then, I think it will serve as a good daily reminder to me of what I am doing. Personally, it will also help me devote myself to letting go of my external presentations in favor of seeking God's approval.

2) I will give up my wardrobe. One of my first thoughts at the beginning of each day is how I will dress--how I will present/project myself to the world around me. In order to change that focus for a time, I am going to pack up all but three changes of clothing. This may not be such a big deal to some people (I have a homeless friend that probably only has two or three changes of clothes and he has to wear them all all the time), but I see it as a way for me to let go of my outward projections, my contrived identities designed to impress people or manipulate their impressions of me.

3) I will not use any credit or atm cards whatsoever. In my life, credit cards have come to represent easy acquisition of posessions and convenient ways to get what I want even if it is outside my means. I want to let go of that in favor of lookiing to God for his provision for a time. As a point of honesty, I will still have to use my bank account to pay bills online, etc. but I will not carry the cards in my wallet or use them to make purchases.

4)I will not use my personal computer at home. I'm not sure that I spend exorbinant amounts of time online, but I want to separate myself in some respects from the world. One way for me to do that would be to cut myself off from the daily news, surfing, etc. that I do online. I will still use this netbook at the coffee shop to maintain communication and to post on this blog, but will refrain from using the computer at home.

5) I am going to sell all my unnecessary automotive tools and bicycle parts. This may only be meaningful to me or someone who knows me intimately, but for a long time, I have had my identity and sense of self-worth wrapped up in these tools. I tend to collect and hoard them and they have become part of the projected identity I worke so hard to establish for the world around me and I want to sacrifice it to be able to better explore the identity God has for me. At the end of this process, whatever money I make will be given to my friend, Jason who's wife was killed in a car accident last year and who's kids were severely injured.

Concluding sacrifices:

Upon conclusion of the six months, I will make certain sacrifices to honor God and the vow I made to him:

1) I will shave my head and my face.

2) I will sign over the pink slip of my 1991 Suburban to my friend including the winch (this may seem silly, but is an incredible sacrifice for me).

3) I will give the proceeds from my tool sales to Jason Hotchkiss.

The Nazarite Vow

Then the LORD said to Moses, "Give the following instructions to the people of Israel. If any of the people, either men or women, take the special vow of a Nazarite, setting themselves apart to the LORD in a special way, they must give up..." Numbers 6

In the book of Numbers in the Old Testament, there is this scene where God is giving the Law to Moses and in the middle of it, he offers this option. A choice. This is not a law--not a requirement. This Nazarite vow is something that any man or woman can choose to do at any point to "set themselves apart to the LORD in a special way".

As best as I can tell, the Nazarite vow was meant to be a form of worship for the follower of God. It was something his people could do to set themselves apart from the world for a time to open themselves up to whatever God wanted to do in/through them.

Samson and John the Baptist are the two most famous Nazarites (I would almost put King Nebuchadnezzar in this group, but I'm not prepared to argue about it). Oddly enough, they were not very good examples of the vow. Both of them were committed to the vow from birth to death and Samson kind of made a mess of the whole thing.

The vow (read Numbers 6 if you really don't want to take my word for it--which I highly recommend) is designed to set a person apart to God for a limited time to be determined by the person involved. There were some specific terms to the vow and sacrifices to be made at the end of the established time period.

The vowee was to give up drinking wine or eating anything that had to do with grapes and vines. This had to do with sacrificing the pleasures of this world for a time to focus on the things of God. They also stopped shaving their beards and cutting their hair. This allowed them to let go of their external presentations and it was also a societally shameful act to walk around as a man with long hair which would have brought on some level of despisal from the world around them. The person making the vow was also required to stay away from anything dead, the idea being to maintain a certainl level of purity before God. Upon the conclusion of the time chosen for the vow, the person had to show up at the tabernacle, shave their head, then offer specific sacrifices to God.

Getting Started

Let me lay something out here from the onset: I am no spiritual giant. If anything, my underwhelming depth of spirituality has brought me to this place. I have come to the point in my life where I long to experience God. I have been committed to relationship with God since my youth--serving him in church ministries and striving to live my life in a way that honors Him. I have never been the kind of person who "feels" God. I have never heard God speak to me and have never witnessed what you might traditionally consider the miraculous. My interactions with God have mostly been characterized by my pursuit of him and what I would call his affirmation of direction in my life. For example: when I almost lost my mind trying to keep up with a church movement that involved personal and marital burnout and spending copious amounts of money to attract people to the gospel, I feel that God led me along through a process of healing and reconciliation with his Church. The fact that I am currently shepherding a church community is a testimony to me that God intends for me to lead, and is interested in that leadership reflecting the way he has made me and the perspective and priority he has placed over my life. There is certainly more to that story, but it'll have to wait--another time perhaps.

I have recently decided that I want to hear from God. I want to experience his presence and I am specifically seeking his direction in terms of the direction I should take with this church community (CTK). I am wary, however, of falling into the trap of judging my relationship with God in terms of my tangible experiences as opposed to my level of obedience. I don't just want God to do soemthing for me, I want him to speak to me so I can better work for him. This is where the Nazarite vow comes in.